Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Self Confidence: Fall In Love With Yourself First

I know what you're thinking right now. 'Wow, what a narcissistic blog this is.' But hold on, before you judge, let me tell you that the past few months of my life I've experienced some of the biggest eye openers in finding out who I really am. But in order for me to even find out who I was, I needed to let go of my ways. I needed to do the following:

1) Stop being so stubborn. Can we just talk about how hard this is for me to even admit that I can be stubborn? Let's not talk about it actually.
2) Stop just saying flaws are beautiful and actually learn that they are beautiful.
3) Let go of everyone else's standards for myself and set my own.
4) Release my inner "child".
5) Get out of my everyday routine and start being more spontaneous.

Let's break these down further...


I prefer the word persistent, but whatever. This may be common sense to some, but to me, this needed to be learned. When you are stubborn in one way, you are usually stubborn in most ways including being stubborn with who you truly are. I don't remember whether or not I was stubborn as a child. I probably was, especially when it came to not wanting to share toys with my sister because well, she's older and she should be the one sharing with me, right? Toddler logic. Anyway... I remember being in my early teens, say 15 or 16 years old and not being stubborn with who I was. I wasn't afraid to give my opinion. I wasn't afraid to state my feelings. I mean I literally didn't even understand the concept of biting your tongue. I thought it actually meant to bite your tongue and I wasn't trying to make my own tongue bleed. But then I learned what biting your tongue meant. I learned to not give my opinions. To stop speaking and just listen. To do what I can to make everyone else happy. To basically walk on eggshells my entire life. That's when I lost my confidence because I was always "wrong". But more importantly, that's when I lost my identity.

Back to being stubborn. I put this unnecessary guard up, with EVERYONE. I didn't realize that's not what you're supposed to do until probably about a little less than a month ago. It was like nobody was allowed to know who I was. Nobody was allowed to hear my opinions. None of that. So I naturally got into the habit of being stubborn with my own personality. I wouldn't let it show. How was I supposed to love who I was if I couldn't even allow my own thoughts to run its course through my mind. I was shutting myself out. It's funny though because I always get mad at people who shut me out, but I do it to myself all the time. I can be really hypocritical.


I'm giving myself a dirty look right now. I used to always say "Embrace your flaws." But I never actually did and I ALWAYS tried to fix them. I mean, if there are things that can be fixed like a skin blemish or having an attitude all of the time for no reason, I'm going to fix them. But there are little things about me that I simply can't fix without plastic surgery or some type of hypnosis from what i'd assume and neither of those things are on my to-do list. Whenever I try and act perfect, I get so bored with myself. I even get bored with other "perfect" people. I put that in quotes because i'm aware that nobody is perfect, but you catch my drift. Since I let my guard down and I stopped being stubborn with my personality, I've seen countless flaws in myself. But i've learned so much about "April Maroshick" that I've actually shocked myself sometimes. For example, I never knew how sarcastic I truly was. I never knew how intense every emotion I feel can get over the smallest things. I also never knew how much I loved being around friends. I was a total recluse from when I was 14 until about a month ago. I actually love hanging out with people. Who knew?!

The moment I started to see my flaws as beautiful, everyone else around me did too. Maybe that's not true. Maybe people are like "Wow, I definitely don't like her." But, since I've become so nonchalant about them, it seems like other people just overlook them. It's one of those "If you don't make a big deal about it, neither will anyone else" kind of situations. I don't know about you, but I get really bored hanging around cookie cutter, practically perfect people. So why should I feel the need to act that way?


This may have been the hardest thing for me to do. I want everyone to love me. I want everyone to see me as a smart, beautiful, successful young woman. So I try to reach the goals everyone else sets for me. Again, I lose myself. What about what I want? My goals and wants for myself are very different than what most people see for me. Not that other people have bad intentions with my life, i'm sure they don't. But what brings me happiness, is not what most people want for me. Once I accepted that I was going to make my own decisions and not live for anybody else except April, about 90% of "my" goals changed. I was then able to focus more on myself and what truly made me happy. Focusing on those things made me learn more about myself because I was happy and at a mental place that allowed me to be able to grow. When I am in a bad state of mind, I can't function properly or grow.


Since i've become an "adult", everything is always about work or about being competitive. It's never about fun. Everyone's fun is different, but everyone needs fun. Since i've embraced "April", i've started to have more fun. Okay, so my version of fun is probably not yours. But i've started sitting in my room and rereading all of the Harry Potter books again. I even picked up a new series i'm excited about. I've been rearranging my closets around. I've even started playing the piano again. That may not be your inner child, but that's mine and I haven't been happier in a really long time. I get excited to wake up everyday and do those things. I feel mentally healthier because of it. Go tap into your little kid and do something that's fun for yourself. Don't worry about what anyone thinks about it.


I'm so routine. I'll admit, it's my comfort zone. But I get so brain dead after a while! I feel like a robot! How am I supposed to revive my energy and tap into my heart and mind if i'm just going through the same motions every single day?

Well, I stopped.

Instead of sitting home at night and cleaning or working from home, I actually have fun or hang out with friends. We do random things. No schedule. No to-do list. Just simple in the moment, do whatever makes me happy type of stuff.

I have to be routine during the day because as much as I would love to be a little kid all of the time, i'm an adult with responsibilities. But I just work extra hard during the day that way when I get home at ngiht or if I happen to have a weekend free, I can just be carefree and have fun.

How does this relate to falling in love with yourself? Being YOU in all of the ways I've mentioned above will make you happy. Guarantee it. If i'm wrong, pigs will fly tomorrow. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if a pig flew tomorrow so I take that back, but you know what I mean. When you are happy with your life, it's easy to fall in love with yourself. You then make it possible for everyone else to love you too. You actually don't even care who doesn't love you because your happiness no longer depends on anyone else but yourself! It's a win-win. You have peace when you make it with yourself. You're always with yourself, so you should enjoy your own company. If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.


April Maroshick

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